Not-So-Retro Book Review: The Road

I recently read The Road by Cormac McCarthy, and I can honestly say that my next read will not compare. In spite of its brevity, McCarthy manages to infuse the work with such humanity that it invariably leaves the reader reeling from both the beauty and obscenity that is our race. It is an honest depiction of what is left when all of society's excesses are stripped away revealing only raw emotion and a fool's hope.

The Road follows the journey of an unidentified Man and Boy/Father and Son as they make their way south through a post-apocalyptic continental US hoping to perhaps find something that reminds them of what they once knew as Good. The environment has become completely inhospitable due to some unknown catastrophe. As a result, all plant & animal life is dead, and what people remain have abandoned all ethics/morals in favor of a more savage form of survival. Conventions once considered the foundation of acceptable human behavior have been cast aside in the unblinking face of impending annihilation.

While the hopelessness of the world does indeed set a harsh tone for this narrative, the true strength of the work lies within the dialogue between the Father & Son. McCarthy's use of short, punctuation-free pseudo-sentences seem more realistic for the characters given the dismal circumstances they are made to endure. An example of this rich moderation is as follows:

There are other good guys. You said so.

Yes.

So where are they?

They’re hiding.

Who are they hiding from?

From each other.

Are there lots of them?

We don’t know.

But some.

Yes. Some.

Is that true?

Yes. That’s true.

But it might not be true.

I think it’s true.

Okay.

You dont believe me.

I believe you.

Okay.

I always believe you.

I dont think so.

Yes I do. I have to.

It is the credit of the author that so few words can so successfully convey the relational nature of two characters.

For me, this book's greatest impact is the way it forced me to examine the supposition that Good is something real & concrete, and it's continuation is a worthy enough cause to face unmentionable horrors. I have often found myself wondering if I agree that there are ideals that override the value of humanity (corpus). It seems The Road led me towards that question once more. Unfortunately, this path always seems to lead to a dead-end.

Retro Movie Review: Blade Runner (1982)

Have you ever wondered what sort of future we'd have in store for us if Atari and Pan Am Airlines were still leading, corporate juggernauts and Japan had such a profound impact on the world-culture that even billboards in the U-S-of-A bore Japanese characters? Well...I guess that's one thing we have in common. As we grow increasingly nearer to the year 2019, Blade Runner becomes more of an "alternate universe" rather than the impending, apocalyptic cesspool that the film portrays.

Few films elicitic such polar responses as Ridley Scott's sci-fi, neo-noir creation, Blade Runner. People tend to either HATE the film...or it is an immediate favorite. As a card-carrying sci-fi fan, I'm prepared to offer the film up for canonization into "Science Fiction Sainthood", but I am fully aware that some people might openly disagree. Like black coffee or a pint of Guiness, this film is definitely an acquired taste.

As aforementioned, the film is set in Los Angeles of 2019. The world is a mess and is plagued with overcrowding and acid rain. In this dismal look into the psuedo-future, humanity has created androids called Replicants (who are indistinguishable from humans) to do dangerous and menial work on "off-planet colonies". Since a rebellious uprising, all Replicants are illegal on Earth. To deal with the Replicant population hiding out as regular human beings, a special division of the police was created known as the "Blade Runners". Harrison Ford plays Richard Deckard, a semi-retired "runner", that has been brought in to handle one last case of particularly dangerous Replicants operating within the city.

In addition to Harrison Ford, the film also features Rutger Hauer as a Replicant leader and Sean Young (who is typically too weird for reason) as the sexy, replicant, love interest of Ford's character. Overall, the cast seems appropriate, and most (if not all) actors turn in decent performances.

The real masterpiece of this film is the world Ridley Scott manages to create via the crude celluloid. Vibrant color contrasts beautifully with the dinge that coats building and street. The environments are visually immersive as every last detail (whether costume or street sign) has received meticulous attention.

I happen to love Blade Runner, but it is difficult to make a recommendation to certain audiences. Kids should definitely stay away as there is some violent imagery, and I would wager that only those adults with a proven sci-fi track-record will enjoy this film to the fullest extent. It is definitely a "thinker", and should be approached with this in mind. However, if you are feeling adventurous, give this film a shot. It should be readily available for purchase/rent as last year was its 25th anniversay.

Let's face the facts people....I'm weird, and I like weird movies. Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true," and I feel like I have a rather healthy grasp on my own personality. Given my description, you probably already know if you'll dig this film. Thus, don't come crying to me, "Evan, I hated that dumb movie! You made me miss Kid Nation!" I only give my honest opinion of these films...I mean...it's all I can do...right?????right???

Halloween Retro Movie Review: Army of Darkness (1992)

From the Desk of the Author: If the following Retro Movie Review's description of the slaying of zombies and skeletons offends anyone who is currently dead or may be dead in the future, please refer all complaints/concerns to ext. 2707.

This week's "Spook-tacular" Retro Movie Review highlights one of the finest films to ever grace projector and screen. Come with me as we take a glimpse into the outrageously campy world that is Army of Darkness.

A of D (or more appropriately, Evil Dead III) picks up where the second chapter left off with the psuedo-hero, Ash Williams (played by B-movie king, Bruce Campbell), still trying to rid the world of the undead forces of evil. However, it should definitely be noted that this film is largely a satire of the first two films and at no point does it attempt to be a legitimite horror film.

As in Evil Dead II, Ash's primary weapons of choice are a chainsaw worn over his "arm stub" (at this point I could explain that he was forced to cut of a hand in the previous film because it became possessed and began attacking him...but maybe you should just take the "stub" reference for face value) and a 12-gauge shotgun that he affectionately refers to as his "Boomstick". These effectively eviscerate any and all "baddies" that cross his path.

The main premise of the film is that Ash accidently opened a portal to England circa 1300 AD while reading from a book of ancient spells, and the only way to return to the present is to save the area lords and serfs from the "Deadites" (it's a lot to process...I know). At any rate, Ash makes his journey while spicing up each scene with his own brand of bravado and "one-liners". For example, when confronted with a mirror image of himself who claims to be Ash's evil twin, Bad Ash(seriously...this movie's awesome), Good Ash quickly responds, "Good...Bad...I'm the guy with the gun," and promptly disposes of his would-be foe. Similarly marvelous moments can be found thoughout the film.

I have often found it interesting that this film rarely feels like it was made in 1992. Director, Sam Raimi, used old special effect techniques (probably due to budget constraints), and as a result, things largely seem more dated. However, this makes rather than breaks the movie in my opinion. The premise is so ridiculous, and the comedy is so over the top that the dirty/low-grade style of shooting almost becomes a character in and of itself.

Another interesting tidbit: Sam Raimi has since become one of the most "bankable" directors in Hollywood. He has been at the helm of The Quick and the Dead starring Gene Hackman and Russell Crowe as well as all 3 films in the Spiderman series. However, viewing his early work reveals that many of his trademark shots have remained into success.

Since its release, Army of Darkness has achieved "cult-film" status on par with films like The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Gods Must Be Crazy. It is praised by its devotees for its unrelenting one-liners, intentional mockery of the first two "cheesy" films, and confusingly bizarre plot-twists. I adamantly recommend this to anyone who can appreciate a healthy dose of comedy and weird. I must warn that while in jest, there are some scary characters that limit my ability to approve viewing by small children. Still, any and all adults are prime candidates for viewing. Please, do yourself a favor and laugh at this film. It is...after all...the BEST medicine. **If you're not sick, watch it anyway. It's only 81 minutes, and I think you can survive missing *insert show title here* just this once.**

Happy Halloween!

Retro Movie Review: Defending Your Life (1991)

What's going to happen when you die???

If you honestly ponder this question, you may envision anything from ethereal paradise, utter nothingness, rebirth on earth, or (if you are a masochist) eternal torment with very unpleasant gnashing of the teeth. At any rate, it is safe to assume that SOMETHING comes to mind as nearly 85% of the American population believes that at least "something" will indeed happen when we "check out".

Albert Brooks's 1991 film, Defending Your Life, attempts to take a fresh look at the hereafter and in doing so, creates a film that is truly funny (in a gratifyingly fuzzy sort of way) and has a completely satisfactory ending (a rarity in any Brooks film).

The film opens with Daniel Miller (Brooks) picking up a new BMW from a dealership and subsequently dying in a car crash while attempting to change a cd. From there, he finds himself in a "purgatory-like" place called Judgement City that looks more like the bland, office complexes and hotels that are usually found near airports. All temporary inhabitants (those recently deceased) of the city are dressed in white robes and are constantly shuttled from point to point in large, mass-transit buses. They are also told that all of the food in Judgement City will be the best they've ever had, and it won't cause them to gain any weight...which is obviously the way to keep masses of human beings happy and content during the stay.

Each day, Daniel is required to meet with his psuedo-lawyer (Rip Torn) and represent himself to a panel of two judges (who look like standard, black-robed judges...ironic, I know). This is done by the defense and prosecutor showing actual clips of Daniel's life on a large viewing screen that either reveals instances where he succumbed to fear or times when he seemed to capitalize on opportunities. In typical Albert Brooks style, his explanations are often awkward and reveal deep insecurities.

While undergoing the process of his "trial", Daniel meets a sweet and serene woman named Julia (Meryl Streep) and almost instantly falls in love with her. As they spend more time together, Daniel begins to realize that while he lived an existence wrapped in fear and self-doubt, Julia lived with assurance and confidence. It is this realization that prompts him to wonder if they could really even be together (she move on to the next destination and him reborn on Earth to "try it again).

Even though the concept of a "Business-professional Purgatory" is by far the most unique aspect of the film, it is the warm exchanges between Daniel and Julia that truly elevate Defending Your Life to a higher plain. The movie is funny and never choked by the persistent sweetness, and consistently rewards the viewer for the time invested. This film is a personal favorite of mine, and it is recommendable for any and all audiences. In summation, watch Streep shine...watch Brooks worry....watch your life be enriched. **An obvious exaggeration...but it really is a great film**

Retro Movie Review: The Golden Child (1986)

Long before the hopeless disappointments of Haunted Mansion, Pluto Nash, and Norbit, Eddie Murphy was actually a "bankable" actor in hollywood. From his lips flowed pure comic gold that nourished and invigorated us all. Who can forget Beverly Hills Cop and Coming to America? These films reflect the Eddie we all want to remember and cherish. In the spirit of this desire, let us journey back to the nineteen-hundred and eighty-sixth year of our Lord.

Hoping to instantly reproduce the unequivocated box-office success of Beverly Hills Cop, Paramount Pictures signed Murphy up for The Golden Child (which is mostly just Axel Foley with fighting monks and the Devil). In the film, he plays Chandler Jarrell, a man whose profession centers on finding missing children. Jarrell is contacted by a woman who tells him he must accompany her to Tibet to retrieve a sacred dagger that could possibly save the "Golden Child" from the Devil. Thankfully...and confusingly, it is revealded that the child is a special individual born every 1,000 years that will usher in an age of compassion for mankind. Should he be killed...hell on earth...ouch!

While the premise of the film is a little harder to digest than BHC, Murphy's comedic narration and one-liners completely overshadow the peculiar plot. Any underlying (or obvious) silliness of the story/situations are acceptable as Eddie Murphy continually describes them as such.

Even though Murphy almost solely carries The Golden Child, there are a few other performances of note. Charles Dance turns in a chilling performance as Sardo Numspa, who seems to be the Dick Chaney to the Devil's George W. He contrasts perfectly to Murphy as while Eddie finds constant humor in his journey, Dance's Numspa is unendingly serious. The irony of these two portrayals makes for some funny/interesting scenes.

I personally find it a crime and an injustice that The Golden Child has been largely lost in the shuffle of Eddie Murphy's other onscreen performances. The film is genuinely funny and has a heart that is sincere (an honor that is almost completely to Murphy's credit). Chandler Jarrell transcends the directed sarcasm of Axel Foley and manages to find the humor locked away in the most seemingly desparate situations.

In summation...if you like to laugh...hard...and like cheesy looking oriental sets/special effects, you owe it to yourself to check out Golden Child. I guarantee you'll find yourself quoting it for weeks to come.

Retro Movie Review: Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon (1985)

It is widely accepted that some things are inherently desigened to come in pairs: Penn and Teller; a medium-bodied Pinot Noir with grilled salmon; and in the case of this review...Mid-80s, Motown artists and Kung Fu. Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon takes the latter and creates 109 minutes of pure cinematic enjoyment. There are few other instances in American film where one can move seamlessly from scissor-kicks and dragon-punches into an all out party-down featuring "Rhythm of the Night" by pop sensation, DeBarge. In these instances, the viewer can't help but feel compelled to tie on a headband and start clapping along.

At the heart of all the excitment and tunes, there also exists a complex storyline that keeps the audience continually guessing right up to the conclusion. The story follows a young man named Leroy Green (Taimak) who is known affectionately throughout Harlem as "Bruce Leroy". He is trained in the martial arts and is mainly concerned with attaining "The Glow". We learn that "The Glow" is in fact a power that can be tapped and used by the greatest fighters in the world. While on his quest, he must continually protect his youger brother, Ritchie, and girlfriend, Laura Charles (played by Vanity...the famous...or infamous Prince collaborator) from the constant attack of the films two primary antagonists: Eddie Arcadian (Arcade owner and scoundrel) and Sho'nuff (Master of the Shogun of Harlem). Needless to say, there is no shortage of action and ear-piercing "EEE-YYYAAAAHHHS" (That's my best attempt at the sound fighters make...).

In summary, The Last Dragon is silly...at times ridiculous...but more than not it's a lot of fun. If you like to laugh and can appreciate a film that seems to embrace its own "campiness", this film is definitely worth the cost of viewing. Also, it never fails to impress people in the know when you can whip out a "Taimak" reference in conversation...trust me.

Retro Movie Review: Groundhog Day (1993)

Throughout the course of literature and film, the concept of redemption is one that has been revisited countless times. It likely stems from an innate desire to believe that our lesser qualities as a race are not without the possiblity of rectification. Few films so poignently capture this idea as the romatic-comedy, Groundhog Day. This film depicts the road to redemption of a self-absorbed, weatherman named Phil Conners (Bill Murray). Whilst covering the pomp of the annual "Groundhog Day Festival" in Punxsatawny, PA, Phil is shaken to find that everyday the alarm in his B&B room awakens him to "I Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher...and worse...it is still February 2nd. This occurence repeats for an undisclosed number of days, but it is suggested that it would equate to many years in "real-time". At first, Phil tries to exploit his consquence-free existence, however, in time he begins to realize the error of his ways and falls deeply in love with his network producer, Rita (Andie MacDowell). The deep love he feels towards Rita ignites a gradual metamorphosis that results in a caring and considerate Phil (which is actually the type of Phil most likely to attract the subject of his affection).

Groundhog Day works on various levels. The timing-driven direction by Harold Ramis keeps the dialogue clever and captivating, and the classic, Murray-style of delivery makes this film an experience that is both entertaining and compelling. It appeals to our shared hope that existence is not concretely determined, and that we might transcend ourselves and reach a level in which we become something more than the sum of our actions. I would wholeheartedly recommend this film for a shared movie night with a significant other. Still, the maintained level of comedy makes it a delight for all audiences. If you somehow missed its countless showings on TBS or never picked it up for rental, give Groundhog Day a chance. It may just teach you how to love again(...or not).

Balke & Cousin Larry.....Only With Laser Guns

What is the freaking deal with Hollywood regurgitating every single show that had a glimmer of success some 20+ years ago? Bionic Woman, Knight Rider, etc. And what's the deal with them all seeming edgier and super-futuristic??? I just know that we're one ratings slide away from "Perfect Strangers 2034", a buddy tale involving Balke (played by Viggo Mortensen) and Cousin Larry (played by Ben Affleck)...two cops trying to clean up the streets after the Robot Wars of 2029 using nothing but their cultural misunderstandings and laser rifles.

Why can't we appreciate television shows that are inherently good? Wit and cleverness consistently get pushed into the "bitch seat" while shows featuring Michael Bay-esque explosions and hardball-to-genital collisions get pushed to the forefront. I miss you Arrested Development...and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. We laughed together...we cried...I nuzzled up under your chin while you kissed my forehead and told me everything was alright...your hand slipped down the nape of my neck...

Whoa, I got a little lost in the moment there. All I'm trying to say is that I'm one new episode of "Benson" away from shooting a confetti-filled rocket at Hollywood with the words, "I'm not a moron! I get shows by Aaron Sorkin," written across the hull in crude krylon. This elephant-sized dose of stupid being sent our way is really a monster of our own creation. No one is forcing us to swallow...

I Come Up Short Like Danny Devito at a Rollercoaster

I'm tired............

For some reason, it seems cliche to say so. I suppose that is a commentary on our culture at large. We push ourselves so hard to earn that next dollar or sip that next latte that being physically and mentally exhausted seems to be the norm. I often find myself thinking about God's intention for his people, and I can't shake the suspicion that we're missing the mark. We, as believers are meant to be in the system as a light...an alternative. Instead, we tend to jump into the frigid waters and get carried downstream along with everybody else. I find it particularly alarming to look out and see all the "driftwood" constantly colliding over issues that consistently flirt with the mundane. At the end of the day, everything that accepts the current and refuses to swim will undoubtedly reach the mill. I like to think of Christians as being equipped with a small motor-boat that allows us to venture into any part of the river....right up to the most perilous and wild zones....with the assurance that we can turn around and head upstream at our choosing. You don't have to be swallowed up by the river to be it's master. No one was ever pulled from the waters by being chastised from the shore.